Racing for Earth

This is an announcement for all puny Earthlings. I, Nitrous Dioxyde, have come to your pathetic planet to claim it as my own. I am the fastest driver in the universe, and now challenge your best drivers to a race for the future of your world. If I win, your planet becomes a parking lot for my intergalactic shopping mall. If you win, you may keep your world and I will leave you alone for the rest of time.

This competition will not be as simple as you think, however. All races shall take place on my home planet of Gasmoxion, which would instantly knock most humans out with its deadly gasses. As a result, your drivers will need to have experience with dangerous odours and gasses. Your best options will probably be proficient in garbage disposal or drain camera inspections. Melbourne plumbers, Boston garbage men and Stockholm aged care workers, come forth and prove your worth! You will compete in qualifying races, and whoever places first in the overall tournament shall face me for the fate of your planet!

If you think you have what it takes to beat the fastest alien racer in the universe, stand on your street at 2:17 am and scream ‘I want to race’ as loud as possible. I will then abduct you and the other contestants for trial races. Those who do not qualify will be exterminated. Vehicles will be provided.

So, if you know how to handle a blocked drain, help Oakleigh residents with gas leaks or can walk through a garbage dump without becoming sick to your stomach, you might have what it takes. Just make sure you have good driving skills, too. Oh, did I forget to mention the incentive? If you defeat me in the final race, you will win one thousand Earth dollars. You’ll also be a celebrity back on your planet, for the entire racing series will be broadcast on all Earth channels. Now start your engines, and get ready to race!