Our investigation involves taking each tea blend one at a time and spending weeks, even months, meditating on each one. So far we’ve been taken to the most wondrous places, and we’re proud to share our findings here.
Our current list of documented blends includes:
ENGLISH BREAKFAST TEA
This world-famous blend is made from Assam, Ceylon and Kenya, giving it the unique qualities and advantages of all three.
We meditated on English Breakfast for three weeks, with the most noticeable advantage being a 25% increase in universal awareness. That’s a known side-effect of Assam, but further testing revealed that the trace amounts of Ceylon tremendously boost harmony and bring about inner peace if allowed to reach your TRSC (tea-receiving soul centre).
The Kenya blend by itself is known to boost one’s empathy and understanding, but disappointingly, it seemed to have the opposite effect in this particular blend. Sister Francesca ended up decking Brother Cornelius after he suggested that her universal awareness had blinded her to the fact that she’d forgotten to restock the fridge with milk.
Beware of empathy decreases when meditating upon English Breakfast Tea!
The smokey tastes of this fascinating blend have many anecdotal origins. Regardless, this is a black tea with one third of its base (the Oolong) introducing a new, green dimension of excellence.
However, despite the element of Oolong bringing with it the advantage of allowing you to brush against Nirvana in your deepest dreams, this tends to clash violently with the lapsang souchong component, which has the documented power to ground your soul in the world of the real for gruelling tasks.
Of course, therein lies Russian Caravan’s unique appeal: these opposites locked in an epic battle, with only the Keemun (famed for increasing one’s serenity) between them.
Deep meditation upon Russian Caravan will be an experience to remember, but we cannot recommend it for lengthy spiritual jaunts.
This stunningly simple green tea- known as zhū chá in its native China- provides an experience all by itself, and despite not being blended, we had to meditate upon its wonders for two months to gain the full benefits and publish a complete report.
Gunpowder tea links one with memories of past lives, as well as allowing them to relive experiences from bygone eras. This is difficult to achieve, as improper meditation technique will instead shunt one’s mind into the future, and it’ll all be silver jumpsuits and FTL spaceships.
We recommend pairing a cup of gunpowder tea with burning frankincense, and also a couple of chocolate digestives.
Dark chocolate digestives, mind you; Brother Zhang made that mistake and he still hasn’t emerged from his coma.