Silence, Child Genius

Oh yeah, because what I needed in my life today was to be condescended to by an eleven-year-old. I woke up this morning and said “golly, wow, I desperately need the experience in my life of being passively belittled by a smiling grade five child”. That’s not true. That never actually happened. I never wake […]

Those Less Fortunate

As the old song goes: “Play that chunky soup jig, night Roy.” As my name is Roy and I work the night shift in a soup kitchen, I’ve discovered the meaning of those words more than ever. And while I’ve never been much of a dancer, in that kitchen at night when I’m the only […]

Heartwarming Solar

I’m not an emotional person, usually. I sat through the entirety of Sally McDeal, they got to the part where the guy said the famous “You fulfil me, completely” line, and I just felt…meh. I was hungry, but my girlfriend was in floods of tears, so I thought just removing my arm from around her […]

The Big Competition

Those Hair-olympics are coming up again, and soon. Last time they were held was unfortunately at the exact same time as the other, more popular Olympics, so they didn’t get much coverage and the organisers of the event decided it wasn’t worth it. Shame, since there were so many great hairstyles on display, and the […]

Renovation Relaxation

Now the doctor is telling me that I need to de-stress because my heart rate is “through the roof” and “I could pass out at any second” and I’m thinking that he doesn’t really understand my situation. I have foreign investors who need status reports on my offshore projects *yesterday*, I need to be up […]

The Buff Reboot

Oh great, they’re rebooting ANOTHER beloved show and apparently butchering it. I was born far too late to enjoy ‘The Buff Boat’, which is all about people on a seemingly never-ending cruise where they learn to get fit, eat healthy, participate in bodybuilding contests and have all kinds of affairs. But I just watched some […]

Seizing Those Opportunities

Life…life is all about seizing opportunity. That’s what it said in the October entry on my Woke Phrase of the Month Calendar, and I’ve been trying to take that to heart ever since. Why, just yesterday I heard a rumbling noise in my car and instead of investigating (which may have closed off that avenue […]

Marine Welding For Girls

I used to love the old ‘Her-Bla’ series, way back in the late 80s when it was airing. Super cheesy now, of course, but there just weren’t many girl superheroes on TV and I was thrilled to find one who wasn’t just some tough action chick with tattoos who’s basically a man. Her-Bla was pretty, […]

Super Perfect Windows

The doors to our Gothic home, as it currently stands, just won’t do. I like many things about our mansion, but there’s plenty of room for improvement. For one thing, there just aren’t enough gargoyles. If we don’t get some gargoyles in there this instant, then we’re getting spirits just all over the place, and […]

Some Big Bugs

Every time I have to swat a fly, I say a little prayer of thanks for the fact that I live in the modern era. I’ve seen dinosaur bones, I’ve seen documentaries about how big things used to be, and so I can’t help but be overwhelmed with gladness. The flies in the prehistoric era […]